Missing fantasy

I am stressing out big time these days. I'm trying my best to keep it all under control, but it can get difficult when you can't see clearly because there is so much shit blocking your view.

Notes from a novel I'm working on:

I have come so far from where I've been the last 10 years... it's ridiculous. I miss having my dreams, my dark motivation, my self inflicted pain. Now, the whole thing is just... disappointing.

I have misjudged him and I was foolish to believe that I lost something years ago. I assumed that his pain and experiences made him a better man...I was wrong. The worse part is, I can't stand seeing everything so clearly. I can't stand that I feel nothing for him anymore. I miss the pain. I missed being the victim, and mourning over my loss. Now, though, I see that there are specific reasons why we didn't see or speak to one another for over the years. He's a massive self-centered, asshole manchild. He has no concept of anything outside himself, and he thinks he knows everything, when he understands nothing.

The sad part of me, is I don't love him. I don't anything anymore. I don't want to be there for him. I just want him to go away.

It's really quite sad to be faced with reality when you lived in fantasy for so long.

I miss this:

Written March 24, 2000
Hey babe, how’s it going? I hope life finds you well. I hope everything has worked out for you. It has been a long, hard road for us…at least for me…and I’m still here. I still love you the same. I’m also kind of sad because I can’t remember you anymore. I can’t feel you, that part of you that I was so in love with, when I was in love with you.

The only thing I can remember is the pain. The wonderful pain of being in love with you. You know, the kind of pain that pushed us closer together, because it felt so good. Our love that was so intense it literally caused grief.

But everything else…the happiness I felt in my soul when I was with you…it is beginning to fade into my memory…and I miss it.