The Beginning of Many Ends

It has been more than 5 years since I last saw Jennifer Carol Lee. For those of you who even passingly know me, you've probably heard of my infamous porn star roommate. Well, that was Jennifer. Jennifer and I shared a bedroom in an on campus aparment our second year of college at LMU, and she was a big part of my college experience and made a huge impact on how I viewed the world everyday after she entered my life.

Jennifer was my friend. She was someone that a lot of people didn't understand because, frankly, she slept around a lot, she was very comfortable with her sexuality, and was an exhibitionist. She introduced me to an entirely different world, and from the moment we met...she lived out my dark side. I guess you could say, I lived vicariously through her...and I was fascinated with her. Jennifer was very "in your face" honest about who she was and what she liked. It was no secret that she began dancing at Jet Strip during our second year.

In fact, she asked me and our other friend to go and see her audition as a dancer on amateur night at the Jet Strip in Lenox. So, we went. At the last minute we decided we didn't necessarily want to see our friend naked, so when they announced "Jezebel" we quickly turned around, only to face a wall of mirrors reflecting the image of "Jezebel" in lingerie and dancing to Metallica. It felt intrusive, but it was still fun and funny. Then she tried out the pole...and *krrrplattt*....she fell off. Now...you tell me... how are you going to forget a girl like that?

She landed a regular gig and pulled in pretty good money. It beat work study, I guess. Then someone at her club told her about making adult films. I remember a Sunday afternoon, in our apartment I was laying down on the couch watching TV. The phone rang and it was Jenn's mom, Sandi. Sandi's a very nice person, and was never blind to her daughter's lifestyle.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hi, its Sandi, Jennifer's mom. Can I speak with her?"

"Uhhh-" I wasn't sure if her mom knew she was stripping, and I didn't want to be the one to break the news...but I didn't want to lie. Plus, Jenn was 3 hours late. "Uh-she's not here. I'm expecting her any minute now, because we're suppose to have dinner together".

Silence. Then, "I know, you know where she is. She's dancing right?"

Ok, queue the wave of guilt...but I still didn't want to be the one to tell her, "Uh-I don't know...She doesn't tell me anything..." LIAR!

"It's ok. I know, you know. You're just being her friend. Just tell her to call me when she gets in, so I know she's ok".

"Ok, I'm sorry" I say lamely.

Then an hour or so later Jennifer came home. "You're mom called. You better call her back! I pretended to not know where you were."

"Oh- that's ok. She knows. I told her last week" Jenn said her nonchalantly.

"Yeah--- well, call her back, ok?"

"Whatever...guess what I did today?"

"I don't know...I was only expecting you 4 hrs ago...what the fuck? What the hell was I suppose to tell your mom?"

"Just guess what I did!"

"No, Jenn..." I said warily.

"Fuck you!" she laughed, "I did a fucking porno! It's called The Adventures of Foot Man!"

HOLY SHIT! "What the fuck did you do that for?!" I asked.

"I got 400 bucks!"

My first and honest reaction was, "That's it?! What if your parents find out?"

"They won't. They don't watch porn"

"OH- they'll find out...everyone watches porn...even if THEY don't, Jenn. It will get back to them."

"Oh-no it won't!"

Now this was how I remember Jennifer. She was so fucking ironic. Jennifer came from a good family. Her parents were professionals, she had a happy childhood...I know because I asked her. Someone like her, you wonder if something bad happened to her to make her so promiscuous ... but honestly...she was basically a happy girl. Other than the fact that she had a bad habit of choosing the absolute wrong kind of guys....she was still self-confident...sometimes overly self-confident ... and optimistic. It was almost like she couldn't help but be this way...but it never affected her being a good friend to me. Jennifer was in the sex business and stripped, but we were attending LMU (a Catholic Jesuit University), and she did well in her classes, she was smart. Jennifer started doing S & M shows at the club we use to go to, Perversion, and allow her self to be strung up, bound, gagged, cut-up...but she was always very neat and clean about how we kept the apartment. She never asked me to be apart of anything, other than as a spectator. She never offered up drugs, even if she was tweaking or smoking right in front of me. She had an orgy in our living room, but never allowed anyone to enter our bedroom or even sit on my bed...she respected my space, I guess. Then the next day...she disinfected the sofa. Jennifer was open about her life, and if you didn't like it...Oh-well...fuck it.

Everything Jennifer did, and everything that she allowed to be done to her....she never hurt anyone else outside herself. She never flaked, and always did what she said she would do, no matter how small or crazy it was.

I went everywhere with this girl. Every Wednesday night, Magic Wednesdays, every Thursday night, Perversion, every Friday night, Stigmata...But toward the of the second semester the porn thing started to pick up and became a whole new animal. Jennifer wasn't Jenn anymore. She started snorting heroin, aside from the crank smoking she had just taken up...I never saw her do heroin. She mostly did it on the set of her movies... which were quickly becoming legend at LMU, since everyone could rent them at Odyssey video down the street. She explained to me how the industry worked when you became a regular. They give this list of sex shit...basically like a sushi menu...and on it are the sexual acts you are willing to perform and check list for those you agree to...and the price for each one.

FP (fuck position) 1,2,3 --- Circle: Yes No Maybe Price: $400

Anal -- Circle: Yes No Maybe Price: $600

Cum on face --- Circle: Yes No Maybe Price: $200

You get the point.

This shit was fascinating to me. I couldn't believe how casual all of this seemed to her and to the people she worked for and with. However, toward the end of the school year...things became very uncomfortable between us. It was becoming exhausting being her friend. I felt bad for her all the time. The ironic thing was...she never once felt bad for herself. And that...I think...was the hardest part for me. I loved Jenn. Aside from all the sex and drugs...she was my loyal friend. She's saved me more than once and was always there if I needed her. She trusted me not judge her by all this shit...but just be her friend. I never told her what to do, or how to live her life. You can't change a girl like that. You just don't.

But when the heroin got a hold of her... I couldn't be her roommate anymore. She asked if I wanted to get an apartment with her, but I opted to stay at home and just commute the following year. I told her that I didn't have the money to stay on campus. The truth was, I wanted to live normally for a while. We still hung out and talked every now and again, but the last time I saw her, she looked like hell. She had started skin popping, and insisted that she wasn't like everyone else. She could handle it. Jenn said that heroin made her completely useless and lazy and that she recently stopped. She showed me her swollen hand that was bothering her because she started shooting up between her fingers and on the top of her hand to avoid track marks on the inside of her arms. All I could do was shake my head and tell her I hoped she felt better. Sadly, I felt relieved when she walked away. It was too hard to see her like that.

I have been searching for her for about 2 years now. Yesterday, I found out she passed away. I thought it might be a sick myspace joke...so I looked up the death records in Palmdale, where her parents lived...and there it was...Jennifer Carol Lee, Died: November 5, 2005 Obituary: November 8, 2005.

I looked up her myspace profile that our former roommate found....Jenn XXX...and found a blog her mom posted about her death, "What mother ever thinks that their beautiful 28 year old daughter would die from a drug overdose?" So, I wrote Sandi a letter of condolences. I said what I could, and honestly stated, "She made everything memorable and worthwhile. And for that, I am thankful for having known her." But that...was the biggest understatement of my life.

Jenn opened my eyes and showed me things that I, otherwise would have only known about through movies and books. Jenn was the best example of a little girl lost. You really couldn't nail her down and get to the root of her behavior, because really, there was no negative cause for it. Instead, I think Jenn wanted to seek out this darker side of life. She had it good for most of her life, only child, happy loving parents...Sometimes I think she craved pain to make sure...of what? I don't know. Maybe too see if she could feel, that she had control of her own life...see how far down the rabbit hole she can get...and still pull herself out.

I don't think a week in my life has gone by when I either didn't think of her or mention her frequently to friends, "Oh-I had this roommate...she was so crazy...stripper...porn..." Wow...the stories I could tell...this barely scratches the surface. The thing about someone like me is that I talk a lot of shit. I talk like I know shit. But to be honest...until Jenn, I didn't realize how little I really knew, and how much I did know when she was no longer in my life. Because of her, I understand people...and know that someone's actions aren't necessarily a reflection on the person you really are. Sometimes, your actions don't have anything to do with the good or bad people in your life. Sometimes your actions are about the demons you have within yourself. I hope Jenn finds the peace and love in death that should could not find in life.