I consider myself a pretty tolerant person. So long as you appear sincere and logical, and you have no intentions of hurting yourself or anyone else, then I'm pretty much okay with how most people live their lives. People who lie to themselves are the most intolerable people. People who can never admit that they are wrong or inflexible with their thinking, narrow, close-minded... they are the ones that I mostly take issue with me.

I was reading a book, and I came across something that really broke down how I felt about a recently falling out I had. A very significant falling-out...

The conversation takes place after an argument between old friends, where one attacks the moral character of the other. Basically, the friend is judgmental and critical about the way the main character is living her life. Another friend sees the encounter and as an unbiased third party makes a pretty accurate assessment about the situation...

"She's a whore, that one," Pam said.
I pulled out a Kleenex out of my purse to blot my tears. I often cried when I got angry; I hated that. Crying just made you look weak, no matter what triggered it....
"I wouldn't call her a whore, but she's truly not careful as she might be about who she goes with," I admitted.
"Why do you defend her?"
"Habit," I said. "We were friends for years and years."
"What did she do for you with her friendship? What benefit was there?"
"She..." I had to stop and think. "I guess I was just able to say I had a friend. I cared about her kids, and I helped her out with them. When she couldn't work, I'd take her hours, and if she worked for , I'd clean her trailer in return. She come see me if I was sick and bring me food. Most of all, she was tolerant of my differences."
"She used you, and yet you feel grateful, " Pam said. Her expressionless white face game me no clue to her feelings.
"Listen, Pam, it wasn't like that."
"How was it, Sookie?"
"She really did like me. We really did have some good times."
"She's lazy. That extends to her friendships. If it's easy to be friendly, she will be. If the wind blows another way, her friendship will be gone. And I'm thinking the wind is blowing the other way. She has found some other way to be an important person in her own right, by hating you." - from All Together Dead by Charlaine Harris.

That pretty much sums up how he is. He uses people, and then he finds someone else to use until they are completely useless to him, and then he moves on. Never really giving back what he takes, and never really understanding respect and loyalty to others. He can never be a part of anything, because he never really belongs anywhere. There are no good qualities about him, because he has to constantly remind himself of his manners and consideration of others. Good people, don't even have to try. It just comes naturally. He is the kind of person to kick you when you are down, and throw things in your face because he doesn't know how to articulate his feelings. I mean, I've actually seen him throw a tantrum. It's an amazing thing to watch a grown man throw a tantrum. He's like a lost 5 year old trapped in a 35 year old man. It's sad and it's pathetic.

I'm glad to accept the fact that he just doesn't belong in my life, and I am sorry to have extended my generosity and love in vain. I can't even say I wish him well, because even that would be a wasted wish...

Haze

Sitting in the backseat of a car, close to dawn, when it's not quite dark, but it isn't quite day break... just a hazy grey light filling the atmosphere. I should be tired, but it was one of those nights that you know you'll remember forever, maybe not in detail, but that feeling... and my mind won't rest because you feel that perfect moment of contemplation. I could feel the effects my alcohol binge literally evaporating at the back of my throat, and it feels like it's coming out of my eyes. But I'm happy. I'm happy because it was good times.

I had one of those nights when I was with my friends, we partied, I met a boy, I fell in love with him, I loved him for about 2 hours, and then I fell out of love with him. I threw a drink at a girl on the dance floor, and I can't quite remember why... We laughed and we stumbled all over the place in 4 inch heels, I held back my friend's hair as she threw up behind a bush.

I remember going to an after hours club, falling down a set of stairs... like literally all the way down the stairs... jumping up when I hit the bottom and announcing that I had to pee... so I did. I dropped trou, squatted down, started peeing. Then BOOM, the doors of the club open and everyone comes filing out. Was it wrong that it was kinda kinky peeing in public in front of an audience? I don't know... I was wasted. So, I just kept peeing, smiled and waved at everyone as they walked by.

There are so few moments of true mindless nonsense and meaningless happiness that are this genuine. There are so few moments in your life you're actually allowed to be this stupid. Because before you know it, life happens and it's like someone pushed fast forward and your youth ends... and your other life begins. There are moments upon moments of happiness in my life. Different types of happiness, and many moments of complete perfection, existing all in synchronicity with my low and painful moments... and this memory of that hazy morning was one of stupid joy for me. I had stop and write it down before it becomes of those things I forget to think about.

Amy

Once upon a time, I met a girl ...her name was Amy. She was beautiful. She had an Aeon Flux body (the cartoon not the movie), a perfect face, bobbed jet black hair, and perfect milky skin. I remember her so well because she was the tallest girl I'd every seen. She was dressed up in vinyl booty shorts, vinyl halter vest and thigh high boots. She definitely made me feel homily, but that is easy to do considering my sexy outfits pretty much consist of t-shirts and jeans.

We were in a run down apartment building in Hollywood to pick up our new friends (Amy and her boyfriend Mani). Their apartment contained a dirty futon, against the wall, a cheap glass coffee table with dirty cups, glass pipes, and fast food wrappers scattered across the top of it. There was also a cat, and upon further observation, little piles of cat shit in the corners of the room. I was unaware, until we got there, that we were supposed to buy speed for my roommate. I also just realized that I was finally visiting my first crack house in Hollywood! oh yay!

Amy offered me a seat while my roommate and Mani went to the back to "conduct business". I sat on the floor, against the wall, facing the open front door, which let in the only light in their apartment from the hallway. There was a crazy black man kicking a six pack of beer down the hall muttering to him self, "I'm fucking cutting him, motherfucker...fucking motherfucker thinks he can fuck with me....fucker". He paused in front of Mani and Amy's open door way, looked inside at Amy and me sitting against the wall, and waved. We waved back. Then he continued to kick the six pack down the hall and muttering away.

Aside from Mani's speed dealing business, Amy also starred in only girl-girl porn, because "Mani would get jealous if I were with another guy on film. And if I did do a guy, I could only do it up the ass." Hmm, good to know.

We began talking. She started talking about her cat, doing porn, never touching speed because it messed her up pretty good, growing up in Washington, running away the year before, and how she met Mani who was her boyfriend/pimp and 18 years older than her. I listened, as I always do. I nodded when it was appropriate, tried not to act to shocked in certain parts of her ramblings, and sympathetic when expected...but finally, I had to ask, "How old are you Amy?"

"I'm 17."

Unstoppable meets Immovable

When I was 17 I started dating Nikolai. I met him way before that, but we didn't actually start dating him until a fews years later. I'm crazy, in the way that isn't conventional or cute. More like, I'm pretty fucked up in the head. Nikolai likes crazy fucked up in the head chicks though. I guess because he never knows what I'm going to do next. College was an adventure for us both, and while we may have strayed away from each other, he's always been there for me even if he hated himself for it. There has never been anyone who has ever loved me so completely and perfectly as he has all these years.

The funny thing is, we go through our highs and lows. We go through moments when things aren't so great, and maybe we can see our lives heading in different directions and we at times when fight like crazy, but there has always been the one thing that remains true... the thing that happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object ... we love each other so passionately and so truly that it has always been a constant in our life together. No matter who I was with, no matter who I may have loved throughout my life... Nikolai is the only person I have ever been completely in love with all the time. It's true, that you cannot define yourself by one person your whole life, but there can be the one person who will always be there for you now matter how stupid or bad you may be, and Nikolai has always been that to me.

It's fun watching people trying to figure me out. It's even more fun watching them trying to figure out Nikolai. He's easy, at least to me. You can pretty much assume what he tells you is true, because it usually is. Occasionally, he will form an opinion about what you say after he's had a moment or two to digest what you mean. For the most part, what you see is what you get with him. I like that, because it's the opposite of me. I mean, I will tell you the truth if you ask... it's just that most people are afraid to ask. I don't know why...I'm not mean. Just direct and sarcastic, which I guess could be easily interpreted as being an unsympathetic asshole.

Ok, so maybe the latter is more true, but I never said I was perfect. Far far far from it, actually. But I do what Nikolai tells me to do for the most part. If he tells me something private about a person or situation and asks me not to say anything, I don't. If he tells me to stop directing the blame at him for something isn't his fault, I do. If he tells me that someone is spreading lies about what I said or didn't say, and he wants me to just ignore it to save the trouble, I do. Always. Rumors always end with Nikolai.

Which is why I never feel the need to justify my beliefs or actions to anyone, even if what they believe is wrong or just a flat out lie. I just let it go. I figure people need to believe certain things to make them be able to stand themselves... to justify themselves to themselves. The hardest thing anyone has to do, is to live with their own mistakes and shortcomings. Lying to yourself... well that just makes facing yourself a little easier.

Satan's Scream

We are all in the hearts of sorrow and desperation
Scraping and screaming, feeling its manifestation
Obsession take control of our minds and hearts
Rolling us away in meat carts

We feel the sorrow
We feel the love
We feel Satan's scream
Like an evil dove

Jo.-
Written in 1990

Blog Observations

I always think its weird that people never have anything bad to say on most of the stuff I read... and I can never think of anything good. I have all these weird insights and perceptions, but they do me no good in most realities and situations. I know a lot more than I say, and I mind most things more than I let on. I think Nikolai is the only person who comes close to to being... I guess, close to me. He's the only one I trust, when it comes to knowing anything about me. The only one who isn't afraid of my vicious mind.

Most people, I find, just like talking about themselves. They may be interested in what I have to say, but only in a way that pertains to them and their own crisis. At this point in my life, I'm learning more and more to just keep my mouth shut. But where does that leave me?

Yoda of Interview Campfires

I was in an interview recently. They interviewed us in a group, which was a weird experience. But there was a question that kinda stuck with me... and it was interesting to hear other people's answers (you know, in the way, that it was completely not interesting). "How do you, as a manager, keep someone or your team motivated and keep conflicts to a minimum, especially on difficult projects?"

The premise was superficial... and so were most of the answers..."Oh, I try to keep them focused on our goal... I try to remind them of their rewards...blah blah blah". I was bored, watching everyone in their stuffy outfits, bad shoes, and even worse hair (I really believe that hair clips should be banned from formal interview attire).

Then my turn came around. "And how would you approach this type of situation, Ms. Damian"

"Well, I find when people are unhappy, especially with work, they mostly just want to be heard. Most people seek out someone who can relate and understand why they are unhappy. If an unhappy employee can express their concerns or unhappiness to their managers, and have some sense that they understand who they are, and that they are more than who they are during work hours... it can make a big difference between having an unhappy employee and a motivated loyal employee. So, I listen. It has worked for me so far."

I don't know if it was a good answer. I just know that everyone got really quiet and starred at me like my left tit popped out of my blouse. Well, whose bad idea was it anyway, to interview people in this way, for an upper management position, no less. It's a sure fire way to invoke artificial and disingenuous response. It's also a little degrading, interviewing people like it was some sort of campfire. I figured an insightful response would throw people off.